eBay Needs to Bid on Customer Service Skills

It amazes me, sometimes, how difficult companies can make the most basic tasks. Like changing the e-mail address associated with my eBay account. Simple, right?

Wrong!

I've been an eBay member since 1998. Since then, I've married (i.e. changed my name), moved several times, and recently lost access to the e-mail account tied to my eBay name. So, I wanted to enter a new e-mail address (and update my snail mail address.) That's it.

In order to change any information, it required that I enter my credit card number and address. Apparently this is a standard verification process now-- but I signed up before it was implemented, so this is their way of grandfathering me in. Fine. Entered my CC # and address, got an error message. Cannot verify CC #. I entered the number again, checking for errors-- nope. Still didn't work. Tried another card. Nope.

So I click on Help. None of the FAQ's were helpful. I clicked Contact Us. It said "Please select from the following list." The list below was blank, and the Submit button was grayed out. Telltale sign that their programming won't work with my browser (Safari.) I tried Firefox and IE. No luck.

I'm stuck. What now? I find the forum where eBay users can post to one another asking for technical help. I search that forum and find a link someone has posted for Live Help-- a realtime chat with an eBay rep. I click the link.

I enter a chat with the eBay rep. As I begin to type my problem, I noice ha some words are coming ou very srangely. In fac, i's almos like here is an enirely missing leer.

I pound on the T key. Nothing happens. Everything else on my keyboard works. I move my cursor into an unrelated window and begin to type-- the T works there just fine. I ask the eBay rep to forgive my gobbledygook as the T key is not functioning in the chat. (And, as fans of Wheel of Fortune will acknowledge, since T is the most common letter in the English language, going without it somewhat of a big deal.)

She tells me to turn on my caps lock-- THAT SOLVES THE PROBLEM. NOW I'M TYPING LIKE THIS. DID I MENTION I HATE CAPS LOCK? (AND WHY IN HELL DOES THE LOWERCASE T NOT WORK IN EBAY'S SUPPORT CHAT?)

That solved (except I'm "shouting") I get down to brass tacks. Why isn't my CC validating?

She asks if I have sufficient funds (they run a "test" charge of $1 to ensure the validity of the card.) Yes. And I tried multiple cards. I'm not in that much debt.

She asks for my address to manually check. I provide it. Then I add, "THAT'S NOT THE ADDRESS TIED TO MY EBAY ACCOUNT. I HAVE MOVED SINCE THEN."

"Oh, that's the problem!" she says. If the credit card is not tied to the mailing address on file with my eBay account, it won't verify.

BUT I'M TRYING TO VERIFY MY CREDIT CARD **IN ORDER TO** UPDATE MY ACCOUNT INFORMATION!

Yeah. What a fricking genius behind this eBay thing, I tell you.

NOW WHAT?

She suggests creating an entirely new eBay account. Okay . . . but then I lose all my 7 years' worth of feedback, I point out.

"You can apply to have your accounts merged," she says. HOW? She provides a link.

Wise to the game, I use the link before I thank her and leave-- good thing, because, like the Contact Us form, this form is also defunct in my browser.

"What browser are you using?" she wants to know. SAFARI, I tell her. I ALSO TRIED FIREFOX AND IE WITH NO LUCK. She suggests getting the "latest version of IE" as eBay is designed to work best with that browser. THEY DON'T MAKE IE FOR THE MAC ANYMORE, I tell her. LATEST VERSION IS 1+ YRS OLD.

"6.0?" she responds.

I smack my forehead. No, really, I did.

THE LATEST VERSION FOR **MAC** IS 1+ YRS OLD. BILL GATES GOT PISSY WHEN STEVE JOBS CAME OUT WITH HIS OWN BROWSER, PICKED UP HIS MARBLES, AND WENT HOME. NO MORE IE FOR MAC. STUCK WITH OLD VERSION.

She laughed, anyway. (Well, "LOL," which, despite its meaning, almost never involves an "out loud" component.)

SO WHAT DO I DO? I can't use the link to merge accounts.

"Use this e-mail address," she says, and provides me with one. I wanted to ask why I couldn't have that to begin with. Why must I navigate forms and bubbles and boxes and buttons when I can send off a simple e-mail so easily?

But I didn't. I already know. I am, after all, the Lightning Rod for Customer Disservice™.

(I have not yet e-mailed them. I'll let you know what happens . . . in the meantime, perhaps I'll go bid on some blood pressure pills.)